The one thing that's holding back your game...

If you've been reading our newsletters for a while, you may have been surprised by some of the things we've said, but this one might be the biggest shock yet. If you feel like you're stuck with few -- or less attractive -- women, the single biggest thing that's holding you back is this:

You don't really want to attract beautiful, intelligent women.

Impossible? When you see an attractive woman in a bar, you know you want her. Consciously, you might think that you want her (not necessarily "her" specifically, but a "her" that meets your criteria) quite a bit... maybe even more than anything in the world. Think about it: what wouldn't you give up for even just one night with that woman? Doesn't that mean you want it?

Try looking at it this way: You saw that perfect girl in a bar... did you open her? Maybe it wasn't a bar... maybe she just walked by you on the street, or served you coffee. It probably happens every day, perhaps multiple times. Did you open them all? My guess is that most of us, most of the time, let plenty of beautiful women walk by us every day.

Let's look at it from another angle: I see a lot of guys that go to bars looking to find women, then complain that none of the women meet their standards and therefore open none of them. Then, when that undeniably attractive girl does finally come around, they simply have too much approach anxiety -- or not enough skill set -- to approach, because they haven't practiced.

Have you ever used one of these excuses?

* There will be other girls, I don't need to open this one
* I'm too tired, or "just don't want to"
* I need to get a drink first
* She's not hot enough for me
* She's so hot she'd never pay attention to me
* She's with her friends/at work/on the phone/busy
* I don't know what to say

I know a lot of guys (both in and out of the community) that can pick from that list all night long, every night.

Here's what I'm getting at: if you haven't been approaching as someone that's COMMITTED to mastering the attraction of women would, it's because at that specific moment when you make a decision to approach or not to approach, the potential "pain" of approaching is more real to you in your mind than the potential pleasure that you will get from both mastering pickup and, potentially, from the girl that you approach. It's also more real to you than the potential pain of NOT approaching -- all that you'll lose in your life if you don't learn to attract the women of your dreams. After all, in our minds, we can always just approach the next girl if we lose this one, right?

...but we all know what happens when we tell ourselves that we can get the next one. So, here's my challenge to you: make a commitment to learning pickup *now*. Sure, you could put it off until next year, and that's exactly one less year of your life that you have amazing women in your life (assuming you actually do take action next year!). If you're with me and ready to really move forward, right now, the next time you're out and see that woman, even if it's on the streets, in the subway, or behind the counter in the coffee shop, start a conversation. Even if she gives you a funny look and walks right by you, you'll know that you've taken action, and you're a step closer to mastery of attraction.

If you want a coach to help push you forward and show you techniques that attract women, give us a call at (877) NYC-PUA1 or e-mail sales@projectmanhattan.com .

Posted by: Affection

How to Ask a Woman Questions

If you want to know something about a woman, often times, just asking directly either isn't effective (i.e., won't get you a true answer) or will lead you down the road to an "interview style" set, which women find extremely boring. We've all been there: where are you from... what do you do for work... what do you do for fun... every guy who's ever approached her has asked these questions, and since most of them haven't removed her panties, you don't want to be anything like them. :)

Instead, implement cold reading, and *tell her* something about her. If you're right, she'll be impressed that you were intuitive. If you're wrong, she'll laugh and ask why you thought that about her. Either way it's a good thing, and the more you practice, the more accurate you'll get. Consider:

AFC: Where are you from?
HB8Bored: California
AFC: Cool... I'm from New York.
HB8Bored: Cool.

...vs...

PM_PUA: You look like a California girl!
HB8Entertained: Cali? OMG that's where I'm from!
PM_PUA: Really? You are definitely a Southern Cali girl... I can tell.
HB8Entertained: Nooooo I'm from San Francisco! I'm not that pretentious, am I?
PM_PUA: Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but... ;) [continue]

The second version has much more energy, entertainment, and playfulness than the first. It also makes you stand out. Even if you didn't guess right the first time -- even if you guess wrong at everything all night -- you're still fun, and most definitely stand out from the rest.

Here's an even better example:

PM_PUA: You are soooo needy! Your boyfriend must go crazy trying to keep up with you!
HB8Single: lol my last boyfriend did... he was my little puppy, though... he did whatever I said.

In this scenario, I wanted to know if the girl has a boyfriend or not. If I ask her flat out if she has a boyfriend, I will lower my value (a man of high value doesn't care whether or not she has a boyfriend), I will project interest in her (which I might not yet want to do), and since I'm now low value, she might just say "yes" to get rid of me even if it's not true!

Before you get deep into comfort, try and limit your questions to the following:

1) Your opener (asking her her opinion, etc.)
2) Asking her about feelings, or any other questions designed to make her feel emotions
3) Questions that don't involve her at all (e.g., "What is that couple doing over there?" [people watching games])

Otherwise, ask your question within a cold read. It's hard and there's certainly other exceptions, but if you apply the rule most of the time, you'll reap the benefits.

Posted by: Affection

Important To Remember, Especially While Peacocking

Most guys that you'll see are neglecting one of the easiest ways to make themselves approachable. When you walk up to a woman (or she comes up to you), obviously you want her to feel comfortable talking to you, and to presuppose that you're a fun guy.

You can do this in less than a second -- with good eye contact and a good smile.

PUAs often describe approaches as either "warm" or "cold." A "warm approach" means that you have some kind of an introduction or prior contact with the woman. A "cold approach" means that you are approaching a woman with whom you have no prior contact, relationship, or introduction. Obviously, a warm approach gives you an advantage, and she won't simply dismiss you as may happen on an unfortunate cold approach.

You can "warm" an approach without any prerequisites -- or even any words -- by catching a girl's eye and smiling at her. Here's how it's done:

Your starting point is to catch her looking at you. If you're "peacocking" (dressed outrageosly to catch womens' attention), this will happen easily (and you'd better take advantage of it, or she may think your style makes you unapproachable!). If not, it will happen soon enough by chance if you're in the same area as her. Ideally, you don't want her to catch you looking at her, as this conveys interest too early (and if done too much, you're the creepy guy that's staring at her!), so look at a point next to her where you can catch her eyes in your peripheral vision and then shift your eyes onto hers once she looks at you.

I know, it seems complicated, but I can usually get it done within 30 seconds.

From here, it's simple: smile, and don't break eye contact until she does or until at least 5 seconds have passed (count them in your head). It's better to have a staring contest than to look away too soon. If you need "something to do" while maintaining eye contact, smile bigger and bigger, or if you want to be playful, stick your tounge out at her (yes -- I'm serious). What this does is it establishes that you're not afraid to have her know you're looking at her (as opposed to the guy with poor game that stares described above, which girls encounter all the time), and that you're happy and fun. If you can make your smile get bigger as you "happen to notice" that she's looking at you, you're doing it well.

Here's a female perspective on it:

"I like smiles. I remember this one guy: I was hanging over the railing at a club with my girls, and he looked up and gave me the biggest smile. Not shy or anything, a really heartfelt, warm smile, and I was like, 'Wow.' Then he came up [...] to talk to me, and that was a good way to go about it, you know? 'Cause I hate when guys try to act tough or like they weren't looking at you."

The woman quoted above and girl this "one guy" picked up? Christina Aguilera.

Smile. Be "the fun guy."

Posted by: Affection

Your Frame of Mind

One of the most tried and true ways of not getting laid is to go out with the expectation and the end goal of getting laid. Women can tell that you're in "predator" mode and are simply hunting down your next prey, and will avoid you soon after you open your mouth (or maybe even before, if they saw you working on other girls!).

Shouldn't there be a way that a skilled pickup artist can go out with the intention of getting laid and then get what he wants?

Well, sorta, but not really. Think of it like this: Let's say you're really depressed and decide to go out (without first adjusting your mood) and pretend to be happy when you talk to people. Your physiology, no matter how hard you try, will tell a different story. There's simply too much to attempt to control in both your body language and speech patterns that doing it consciously is next to impossible. You can try and hide being in a bad mood, but it's not an effective game and you'll find yourself getting "caught" often.

Going out with intent to get laid is similar. You're less likely to look cool, relaxed, and fun, and less likely to sound that way as well. You'll also be less able to have a "real" conversation and show genuine appreciation for the girl you've found -- a requirement of almost any pickup method out there -- because you're too focused on the next move towards the bed. If a girl doesn't feel that you like her for the right reasons, she will assume you like her because you want to do her, which in almost any girl is an instant turn-off.

You've probably seen all of this in action yourself. Ever gone out to a bar with your guy friends when you have a serious girlfriend that you're committed not to cheat on, and notice that all the girls seem to want you like never before (even before you tell them you have a girlfriend)? The reason is that you're acting differently. You're more relaxed, because you have no hunting to do and no outcome you're desperately trying to both hide and achieve, and lack of being relaxed is just as hard to hide in your physiology as being depressed is.

To better answer the question we posed at the beginning, a skilled pickup artist -- and any guy of high value -- *doesn't* go out looking to get laid... because he doesn't need to. "It just happens." Instead of going out with the intent of getting laid, go out with the intent of having fun, learning, meeting people, and being social. If you need a goal, make it "to see how much fun you and the people around you can have." Go into each set with the goal of adding fun to their nights. Mix in your pickup skills while maintaining one of these "higher mindsets" and you will see instantly improved results.

Posted by: Affection

Neg Softening

Let's say I'm walking up to a 3set of HB8.5s blondes. I'm a new PUA, so I really want to "neg" them really badly, because it sounds cool to be able to say such things to really hot women.

In interactions with girls, I would group "negative" comments into 3 categories:

Insults - A comment that is directly negative with no intended misinterpretation or mitigating factors. Ex.: "Hey, your roots are showing!"

Negs - A comment that makes a girl think of her imperfections without actually criticising them. Ex.: "Hey, I love your hair it's amazing... is that the natural color?"

Playfulness - A comment that's either directly insulting but she knows you're just teasing (keeping in mind that sometimes a girl won't accept that you're "teasing" until you have rapport, social proof, or body language or steel) or a compliment that's blatantly not true. Body language and especially facial expressions are crucially important. Ex.: "My hair coloring is totally better than yours. We'll work on you, little girl... you have potential!"

If you're about to make a "negative" comment to a girl, first consider which of these 3 categories it falls into. If it's a true neg or it's playful, great (as long as you have the timing and body language down). If it's an insult, consider "softening" it. What I mean by this is think of a better way to say it that is either playful or a neg.

Soften: "Hey you're pretty short!"
To: "So I saw this girl last night that was about your height, and this 6'1" chick was picking on her, so the your-height-girl decked her right in the face and the tall chick ran away crying. You little ones are like little ninjas... I have to watch out for you." (jump to "you can be my [bodyguard/cockblocker]" thread, etc.)

Soften: "Wow you're a bitch!"
To: "Aww you're like a little Power Puff Girl... that's adorable!!"

Insults usually don't have a place in your game, but playfulness and negs both have distinct points in time where they're great. Here's another opportunity: when a girl is putting herself down...

HB9SkinnyChick: "Look at my rolls of fat! *pinches stomach"
PUA: "Eh... *pinches her stomach* I think it's more the thighs I'd be worried about! *grin*"
- or -
PUA: "Eh... I wasn't going to say anything, but... :)"

Negs tend to work better than most playfulness at disarming bitch shields (depending on how strong the shield). After all, if she's still in bitch mode, she's not going to be responsive to your teasing. So, be playful when she's being fun, and neg when she's not.

Posted by: Affection

Dance Floor "Proximity"

This newsletter is a bit advanced, so if you haven't played with dance floor game yet, hold off in reading it for a bit until you've tried it.

As your style, dancing, state, and energy improve, you'll start to notice more and more girls looking at you and dancing next to you when you're out clubbing. "Proximity," as we call it, is an IOI demonstrated by a girl being physically close to you. It may be a few feet away, or on a dance floor it may be only inches. She's likely not directly facing you, and if she's very close, she's almost certainly facing the complete opposite direction.

Have you ever approached one of these girls that was giving you proximity, only to have her give you that classic, "Uhh whatever"-type look or hand wave or comment? How come she went out of her way to put herself close to you only to push you away when you approached?

The problem lies in that **proximity is a sub-conscious behavior**, and your failed approach was processed by her conscious mind. Essentially, you were treating the IOI like an approach invitation, but got the same result as if you made a completely cold approach (and worse, since she's usually facing away, you probably approached her from behind!). If she's very close -- so close that she's completely invading your space and occasionally bumping into you -- it gets even more tricky. Your options are to continue dancing behind her (negatively social proofing yourself, as guys that walk up to girls from behind and try to dance with them are universally AFC), open her from behind (likely to fail), walk away (beta, she just forced you out of your own space), or try to reclaim your space.

Here are some ideas:

1) If possible, get and hold eye contact, and smile. If you can get her to smile back, you now have a *real* approach invitation and an IOI from her conscious mind. From this point you can usually just walk up to her (from the front) and start dancing with her. Some girls avoid eye contact intentionally, so it might take time or work to get, or you might not be able to get it at all. Holding eye contact is difficult at first, so practice it off the dance floor first if it's new to you.

2) Open her friend first. Imagine the following scenario, with the arrows indicating the direction each person is facing:

You-> HBTarget-> <-HBFriend

She's facing away, and thus a difficult target to open, but her friend is standing facing you and now can easily be opened using the eye contact/smile above (or any other dance floor technique you like). If your target is giving you proximity, chances are her friend thinks you're cool too, so it will be an easy open. Completely ignore the target for at least 30 seconds (longer if practical).

3) Bump her -- hard. As if you were just dancing and she happened to be in your way and you didn't notice, and with enough force to put her slightly off balance (but not enough to push her over). If you do it too lightly, as if you're just rubbing against her, the effect is ruined and you're in the same category as the AFC that tried to walk up behind her and dance with her. Face away while you do it, and about a second later, look at her, smile, and continue as if you got her eye contact without bumping her. Why does this work? It's playful, she's wondering whether you did it on purpose, it gets her to think about you consciously, and it's different (or in NLP-speak, a pattern interrupt). She needs more information to decide what to think of it, which is your chance to take over.

Posted by: Affection

Why you shouldn't neg in the first 30 seconds...

Determining when and how to neg effectively requires much more practice and experience than most things in the game. Too hard or at the wrong time, and the girl gets insulted and you're blown out. Not doing it at all leaves a useful tool unused.

I'm going to suggest that you don't put negs at the top of your toolbox, and here's why: negs work against the positive energy of the interaction. The purpose of a neg is to take a girl that is acting like she is too good to talk to you and to subtly remind her that she's not a princess. If you open with a neg, you're essentially presupposing that the girl is going to be bitchy right from the start, which is going to put you in a less positive state and potentially ruin your confidence, posture, voice tone, and conversational flow. Instead, walk into every set assuming that the girl is going to be estatic that you approached, and go in with the intention of adding value to her day.

If you run your opener and she's still in "princess mode," give it at least one more try to convert it to a fun, playful interaction without using a neg. A lot of times, princess mode is simply a brief test of your nerves that she'll drop once she sees you weren't scared off, and simply continuing the conversation is enough to fix things. Save the negs for just a little bit later in the interaction, when you've built rapport but she happens to lapse back into princess mode.

Posted by: Affection

Being Non-Reactive

In order to become good at attracting women, gaining insight through experience is required. In other words, we try things out and look to see if they work. If they do, we put them in our toolbox, and if not, we figure out how to make them better.

...but you want to appear to be doing exactly the opposite.

There are several reasons for this:

1) Seeking a reaction conveys interest. For at least the beginning of your interaction with a woman, you want to control the amount of interest you convey. Why? Because being the cool, attractive guy that you are, you're selective and looking for a women who demonstrates her value with more than her looks, so until she has a chance to prove herself to you, you want to avoid being like every other guy that drools over her because she's hot.

2) Reaction seeking conveys lack of confidence. Being the cool, attractive guy means you're comfortable that you're a good time, and don't need anyone else's validation to prove it to yourself.

3) It gives her power. If she knows that you're out to seek her reactions, she can use that against you. Girls love doing this, especially when they're out at clubs... it's a game to them!
Here are some examples of particularly common times guys seek reactions when they shouldn't:

- Kino
When you start your interaction, you want any kino you do to feel as natural and ordinary as possible, as if you do it to everyone you meet (and you should do it to everyone you meet!). You're not touching her for her, you're touching her because you're comfortable in your interpersonal interactions.

- Negs
The point of a neg is essentially to remind her that she's not as perfect as she sometimes thinks she is WITHOUT her knowing that that's what your up to. Negs should be as subtle as possible, and naturally, seeking a reaction is quite counter to that. After delivering a neg, immediately move on with the conversation like nothing just happened.

- Storytelling
Stories are around 30 to 300 seconds of you trying to have the girl feel the emotions of the story you tell, so naturally you want her to be excited and intrigued at the end. But if she thinks you're telling her a story to impress her, you've wasted your time.

If you find yourself waiting for a reaction from her, how do you avoid it? The best way is to keep talking... move into a new routine or story. Do this especially with kino: don't pause and give her a chance to think about why your hand is on her. If you've run out of material, get distracted by something else in the environment.

Posted by: Affection